It's a big joke

Did you ever stop to think about it? Not even once? Well I did. I thought and thought. I thought myself out of existence. I wrote a poem about it, I'll include that at the bottom.

You see I don't think the tools provided will help.

Let me start from the beginning instead of mid-stream: I'm talking about flying safety routines.

You know you get on the plane and they go through the 'safety presentation' and ask you to pay attention.

Frequent fliers become numb to this puppet show, this corporate joke. Look here. Pay close attention.

YOUR PLANE IS GOING TO CRASH. OMG.

This is the scenario you can AVOID with the helpful safety talk. Clutch your tools closely MacGyver you'll need them in the afterlife:

Tool the first: WHISTLE

Blow loudly as your plane hits the dry, cruel earth. If there exists other life in this universe, pray they never discover that we as a species, at any point, advocated the use of plastic flourescing wind instruments in any kind of emergency at thousands of feet in the air.

Some clever clogs will no doubt say "It's for when you're at sea. To attract attention," and to you, Mr or Mrs clever clogs I say that I hope whistles have the same effect on sharks as they do on dogs.

Tool the second! LIFE JACKET

Most of the surface of the earth is covered with water. At first glance, a life jacket seems quite sensible. Here's the rub: the 'life' in the phrase 'Life Jacket' informs you that you will be given a lease of life in an environment (water) where an air filled coat will prolong your existence.

What good is a jacket filled with air when you are surrounded by air. Cubic fucktons of it. Going down, all the way down. To the sea. If you're lucky. The sea where these are designed to work. Not in the air. Or strapped into a metal death box. These aren't impact life jackets. They're not 50 feet of bouncing insulation and absorbance. It's flourescent, like the whistle. Should you remain in one piece at the end, this glow in the dark quality will make it easier for the bean counters to assess the overall impact of the crash.

When you're on a boat you have the same (probably better) life jacket. Why do these airborne equivalents not have WINGS? Hm? That would surely be more useful would it not?

The final tool for survival! OXYGEN

See that pirate there? If he weren't a drawing, he'd be breathing air, which contains oxygen. We all need oxygen. Even his little drawn parrot. The artist who drew it needed oxygen too. He probably, though, wasn't drawing this in a plane at a great altitude descending quickly. He probably wasn't on fire. He probably wasn't praying that the oxygen that let him continue drawing his image of a jaunty pirate will be the key instrument that will save his life.

I can't argue that oxygen isn't awesome. I'm taking big, galloping lungfuls of it right now. I must however question the decision makers at 'Plane Safety HQ'. The chaps who decided on 'Jacket, Whistle and Oxygen' as if they were given a brief for 'Things needed to walk your dog safely'.

I question their motives.

In the event of the depressurisation of a plane before a crash, pumping the punters full of the breath of life so they can fully experience their splattering reunion with the earth is cruel.

In the event of the plane losing it's wings and catching fire, nosediving in a catastrophic fireball of a descent, pumping the cabin and passengers full of oh so flammable oxygen just seems a bit like overkill does it not?


In any case, this was my morning reflection on plane safety. Not that I'm afraid of flying, nor do I worry about turbulence every time it jiggles my air-ride.

It's more that, if I ever were to suspect a plane I was in was about to do the unthinkable and happy slap me into the hills I'd simply smile, drink in one last look at life and laugh. Relax. It's just probability. Had to happen to a small selection of you.

Around me People panicking. Oxygen filled lungs hyperventilating. Confused holidaymakers struggling with 'life' jackets, strapped into their right angled coffins. And whistles. I think the whistles would amuse me most. I might even try my lips on one. Blow softly at first. Perhaps I could hold a tune?

I could whistle Party Rock Anthem whilst the death carriage thunders towards the ground.

It would be a pretty accurate portrayal of human folly in the end!


The Poem (written during a safety presentation on a Ryan Air flight):
Falling from the sky
In a metal bird,
I will land safely,
With my whistle,
Oxygen and
Life Jacket.